I am made of plastic, and bleed paint. My feet are both wooden pegs, infested with extinct insects. My eyes are made of glitter, and my nose is just a button. My ears are made of cardboard, and work just as well. My mouth is starfish, which moves and dangles, but has a challenge really being heard. And where my heart should be there is just an empty wooden picnic basket.
But my biggest characteristic defect is my mind. It’s made of worms that pop out of cans daily, swimming into sacred places, turning what they pass into insignificant memories. And the more the swim, swarm and fester, the smaller I become. One day I’ll just shrink into nothing, and with a small clap, vanish entirely.
In Alabama, it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church, and masks may not be worn in public.
In Pasadena, California it is illigal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
In Long Beach, California it is illigal to curse on a mini-golf course.
In Hartford, Connecticut it is illegal to educate a dog.
In Idaho, boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.
Iowa state law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.
In Nogales, Arizona it is illigal to wear suspenders.
Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend, Indiana.
It is illegal in Kentucky for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.
In Gary, Indiana it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.
In Portland, Maine it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.
It’s illegal to mistreat oysters in Maryland.
In 1659, Massachusetts outlawed Christmas.
In Truro, Mississippi a would-be groom must “prove himself manly” prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.
Missouri considers drunkenness an “inalienable right.”
It is illegal for bar owners in Nebraska to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
In St. Louis, Missouri it is illegal for an on-duty firefighter to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown; in order to be rescued, a woman must be fully dressed.
It is a felony in Montana for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
In Omaha, Nebraska barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers’ chests.
In New Jersey, it is against the law to “frown” at a police officer, illegal to slurp soup, and, in Trenton, illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.
In New York City, “It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand.”
In North Dakota, it is illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club, or restaurant.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
In Schulter, Oklahoma it is illegal for a woman to gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.
In Maryland, it’s illegal to play Randy Newman’s “Short People” on the radio.
In Charleston, South Carolina all carriage horses must wear diapers.
In Dyersburg, Tennessee it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date, and in Memphis restaurants, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.
In Wyoming, it is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs peoples’ view in a public theater or place of amusement.
In Washington, it is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich.
Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
By 70 years of age, an average person will have lost 105 pounds of skin.
According to German researchers, the risk of heart attack is higher on Monday than any other day of the week.
An individual blood cell takes about 60 seconds to make a complete circuit of the body.
During the 2,475,576,000 seconds of the average length life, we speak 123,205,750 words, have sex 4,239 times, shed 121 pints of tears.
If you go blind in one eye, you’ll only lose about one-fifth of your vision, but all your depth perception.
It takes 17 muscles to smile —- 43 to frown.
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.
The little lump of flesh just forward of your ear canal, right next to your temple, is called a tragus.
The only time the human population declined was in the years following 1347, the start of the epidemic of the plague ‘Black Death’ in Europe.
There are 45 miles of nerves in the skin of a human being.
On average women say 7,000 words per day. Men manage just over 2000.
Three-hundred-million cells die in the human body every minute.
I feel beyond almost everything that troubled my old self. It all feels so baby-ish and pointless now. I like what is tangible and in front of me, what’s not easy and worth the effort, and creates something I deserve. I look for people that see me as me, not as some idolized martyr. People that see the pain and struggle as something beautiful to watch.
I am beyond the days of waiting for, wishing for a prince.
I am here, and that is someone I will always have until I am no longer.
“You know no one. And no one knows you. At The Same Time, you understand, there is a feeling of belonging. Yes. I use that word. Here, everyone knows everyone. And to what end, for we’re all strangers. And so lonely.”—"The Three Sisters," Chekhov/Mamet